I feel like abortions should bother me more
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
