pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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