I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
