I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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