I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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