Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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