Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
