taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
