My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
