I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
