Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
