i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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