No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
