how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
