Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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