I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How does it feel to date your dad?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
