I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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