upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
40s are totally the cure
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
