Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
