how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize