I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
