I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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