I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
