they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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