You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
