Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
