Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
