It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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