i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize