I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
there is glitter all over my balls
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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