I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
