i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
