I can text with my tongue
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
