You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I currently don't understand fingers.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
