I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
