Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
