My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
