My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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