pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Life is so much better after having sex.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize