Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
