so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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