I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
