Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
