I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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