I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
