Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
