Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
