I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
being pregnant is like rehab
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
