Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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