the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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