my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
