I CAN MOONWALK!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
