if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just found a bag of teeth...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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