For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
