Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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