Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
