my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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