the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize