So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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