Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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