I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
