Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
