I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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